The Only Solution to Losing weight

Gather round boys and girls.
Have you bought every quick weight loss book you could find in the grocery store check out line? Ever wonder why these tantalizing little expensive books sell for so much? Did you ever read some of the pages of each book and wonder why they all sound the same? Well, that's a very good question/s.

I'm not going to bore you with a lot of technical explanation about losing weight or why you need to keep your waist line down. You know all the answers because you have bought each and every one of those stupid little weight loss books. You have tried all the diets and have stuck with them for a week or less. And sure, you have lost the weight. But then you have gained it all back. And back to the grocery store to get a pint or two of your favorite low fat or more fat ice cream. And you have sat in front of the computer or the TV and slowly finished your treat. Because you have earned the right to eat this treat because you have been a really good girl or guy and you made it through the week and you lost a couple of pounds. And you deserve the reward, don't you. And you tell yourself, that as soon as you finish the ice cream, you will go back to the diet. But your reward is really not that bad, is it?
Because if you were really depressed, you would have opened the box of candy you were saving for a really depressing day. The box of candy with the drop dead, cream filled something which would really make you feel a lot better right now. And what is a little extra reward anyway? You deserve it.

But wait.
Don't reach for that box of pretty stale candy. If candy is stale, does that mean there are less calories in it? Does that mean I can eat more of the stale candy and not get anymore calories?

I need you to focus for a minute.
Push that box of opened candy away. Further away, please.
Let's go into the bathroom together.
Now you get on the scale.
My ears, my ears!!
I should have told you to close the windows.
Now the cops are going to come and you will have a lot of explaining to do. And when the cops see the open containers of eaten, thawed ice cream and the opened box of really stale candy, they will understand. But they won't smile or snicker. Isn't there a treat called snicker? And the cops will ask you to close the windows the next time you step on the scale. And the cops might want to know why there are two people in the bathroom, with one on the scale and one watching. I mean, is watching really wrong?

The scale must be wrong will be your answer. So we will move the scale over and I will put my hands over my ears while you look down and respond the same way.
I will lead you back to the kitchen, holding the box of still opened slightly stale candy. And we will sit down.
And I will ask you if you are ready to lose weight once and for all. And you will say that you will do anything to lose weight. And I will ask you to get out your check book. And I will tell you the answer to your problem will cost you $29.95. And you will gladly write the check.

And I will reach into my diamond studded leather bound, steel mesh, man bag, remove a neatly printed embossed 14 point type 4x6 inch card and place the card, face down.
I will ask you not to turn the card over until I am at the door.
I will grab my man-bag and walk briskly to the door. As I reach for the door knob, you will turn over the 4x6 inch card with 14 point embossed letters.

"EAT LESS"

Coma Airlines

"Coma Airlines. How may I direct your call?"
"I would like to make reservations for two adults and two children.
"Okay, that will be $100.00 dollars each. How do you want to pay?"
"But we want to go overseas."
"Yes, that's correct. It's a hundred dollars for each person. Age does not matter."
"Can I send you a check?"
"No!"
"What credit cards to you take?"
"None."
"Well, how am I supposed to pay for the tickets?"
"Cold cash will be fine."
"But how do I make sure that we get seats?"
"You and the family come to the airport a day or so before we depart and stand in line with the rest of the cattle, sorry, I mean passengers."
"We would like first class seats. What is the movie and can we get kids movies for our children? My wife is allergic to milk and I like my steak medium rare."
"All of the seats are first class or at least as close to first class as you can get for $100.00 a seat. We do not have any movies and you won't be eating anything during the flight. We would suggest that you pile on several layers of clothes, gloves and thick socks."
"But what are the kids going to do for 12 hours?"
"Have you ever heard of sedation medicine?"
"Why yes, I have."
"We go a couple of steps further. Since there are two pilots and three female flight attendants sealed in a climate controlled cabin with food, beverage, their own restrooms and movies running throughout the flight, there really is no need to heat the passenger cabin."

"But what if the little ones have to go to the restroom?"
"Ah, but you see there are no restrooms. Do you have any idea how much space those toilets take up? And with all that damn plumbing, we just put seats their instead."
"You're kidding, right?"
"No, I'm not. When you enter the cabin, you are given a release form to fill out. It's just a lot of legaleeze our lawyers want us to have you sign. In a nutshell, it says that we will do the best we can to keep the plane in the air. But if for some unforeseen reason, the plane suddenly falls from the sky and breaks up into a million pieces, you or whats left of you or your relatives will not sue us or anyone who works for us. Furthermore, we will do the best we can to bring you out of your coma.
But you have to understand, since there is no heat in the plane at 50,000 feet, your bodies might not thaw as well as they should. But if you dress warmly then you should be just fine."
"I, I, don't know about this."
"What's not to like? You and the family can fly for $400.00 each way. Just think of all the money you will save."

"Thank you for flying Coma Airlines. And don't forget to wear gloves as well. Fingers sometimes just break off and it's a bitch to match them up."