Coma Airlines

"Coma Airlines. How may I direct your call?"
"I would like to make reservations for two adults and two children.
"Okay, that will be $100.00 dollars each. How do you want to pay?"
"But we want to go overseas."
"Yes, that's correct. It's a hundred dollars for each person. Age does not matter."
"Can I send you a check?"
"No!"
"What credit cards to you take?"
"None."
"Well, how am I supposed to pay for the tickets?"
"Cold cash will be fine."
"But how do I make sure that we get seats?"
"You and the family come to the airport a day or so before we depart and stand in line with the rest of the cattle, sorry, I mean passengers."
"We would like first class seats. What is the movie and can we get kids movies for our children? My wife is allergic to milk and I like my steak medium rare."
"All of the seats are first class or at least as close to first class as you can get for $100.00 a seat. We do not have any movies and you won't be eating anything during the flight. We would suggest that you pile on several layers of clothes, gloves and thick socks."
"But what are the kids going to do for 12 hours?"
"Have you ever heard of sedation medicine?"
"Why yes, I have."
"We go a couple of steps further. Since there are two pilots and three female flight attendants sealed in a climate controlled cabin with food, beverage, their own restrooms and movies running throughout the flight, there really is no need to heat the passenger cabin."

"But what if the little ones have to go to the restroom?"
"Ah, but you see there are no restrooms. Do you have any idea how much space those toilets take up? And with all that damn plumbing, we just put seats their instead."
"You're kidding, right?"
"No, I'm not. When you enter the cabin, you are given a release form to fill out. It's just a lot of legaleeze our lawyers want us to have you sign. In a nutshell, it says that we will do the best we can to keep the plane in the air. But if for some unforeseen reason, the plane suddenly falls from the sky and breaks up into a million pieces, you or whats left of you or your relatives will not sue us or anyone who works for us. Furthermore, we will do the best we can to bring you out of your coma.
But you have to understand, since there is no heat in the plane at 50,000 feet, your bodies might not thaw as well as they should. But if you dress warmly then you should be just fine."
"I, I, don't know about this."
"What's not to like? You and the family can fly for $400.00 each way. Just think of all the money you will save."

"Thank you for flying Coma Airlines. And don't forget to wear gloves as well. Fingers sometimes just break off and it's a bitch to match them up."

Leave our Radio Station Alone

Dear Mr. Snyder,

You purchased the Redskins and FedEx Field. Your team appears to excel in failures. I always thought that when a family went to a football game, they were supposed to have fun and not have to take out a loan to enjoy themselves.

Most employees working for big corporations, who are paid millions of dollars a year, are expected to produce something. Your team appears to produce failures. But, hey, I'm not a sports nut.

You decided the view from your house was being obstructed by trees. So you had them cut down. You had U.S. Park Service property destroyed. But, hey, you have money and money talks. So what are a couple of trees anyways?

Now you want to take over my radio station. You know the one. You want to turn my classical radio station into your Redskins radio station.

Why would I want to listen to a football game with overpaid players, losing game after game? But, hey,I'm not a football nut.

But I am someone who loves classical music. And you want to take it away from me and my wife. And you want to take it away from lots of other people as well. I know you did not ask our opinion but you are wrong. You have taken trees which did not belong to you. And now you want to take my radio station.

Someone once said that sometimes you need to cut your losses and just walk away. Please Mr. Snyder, just walk away from my radio station.

Wool is a good investment

Our county executive has been trying to fool us for a long time. He should invest in wool.

Dead animals not welcome in summer

Let this be a warning to you all. If you are planning on having a dead animal removed in Prince George's County, Maryland, put your telephone call in three days before you find the dead animal. And please don't wait too long in the summer time. The warmer it gets, the worse it gets.

http://www.gazette.net/stories/082505/collnew13820_31882.shtml

Dear Jack Johnson

Prince George's County Executive Jack Johnson has been in the news. It seems he has been using the county credit card for non county uses. Of course everything he uses the card for, are for the good of the county. I have to wonder about his use of the card at "Hooters."


http://www.gazette.net/stories/113006/prinlet175247_31986.shtml

Read this only after eating

Did you have a good breakfast? Was your purse or briefcase still on the kitchen counter from last night? I know, I know. It's so much easier to leave it there. Getting going in the mornings is sometimes a bear and if you are in a hurry, all you have to do is grab the purse or briefcase and dash.
Okay, take another sip of your coffee. What I'm about to tell you might make you think twice about where you leave your purse or briefcase. Do you remember where you were two days ago? You were about to board the plane when mother nature called. You dashed into the airport restroom, put your purse/briefcase down on the floor and did your business. When you were done, you raced out of the restroom, only to be greeted by the airline announcing that your flight was being delayed because the pilot needed to sober up first and there were no other pilots available to take his place unless you wanted the brand new pilot who had never flown this kind of jet before, but hey, aren't all jets the same?

And you joined all the other passengers and the pilot at the local coffee place which sold coffee which was too expensive but it had some kick to it. And you put your briefcase/purse on the floor but hey it could get stolen, so you moved your briefcase/purse to the table surface. And you sat down and drank and drank because the pilot was really drunk and it seemed that no amount of coffee was making him any more alert. And you went back to the airline counter and they said, "Gee, we are really sorry but all the other planes have all departed and yours is the only one left before the really big storm which the forecasters said would not hit us, hit us but just be patient because it looks like the pilot now knows which is his left and right hand. And it should not be much longer!"

And you went back to the restroom and put your purse/briefcase on the floor and did your business. And as you were going to get your sixth cup of really expensive coffee, the airline announced the plane was boarding and they were waiting for one passenger(you) and you ran like a crazy person out of the restroom and you were almost to the gate when you realized your purse/briefcase was not in your hand and you turned around and ran back to the restroom, yelling "Don't you dare touch that purse/briefcase," to the bomb squad as they poked your bag with a twenty foot Fiberglas pole. You ran back to the gate as the pilot was being wheeled in next to you. And he was saying that he could fly the plane in his sleep. And you got to your seat and sat down. And then mother nature nudged you and said, "What are you going to do about all this coffee in your bladder?"

That was two days ago. Since then, your purse/briefcase has been all over. And now it sits on your breakfast counter. Guess what sits there too? E-coli and other bugs which could make you really sick.
Each time you put down the purse/briefcase on any surface, these little bugs get a free ride. A restroom floor is not the cleanest. Nor are the tables at your local coffee shop with the too expensive cups of over-rated coffee. Add to that, the car seats in a taxi. You can afford a taxi?
Try walking.
Each time you place your purse/briefcase on a surface, it attracts new guests. And yes, these are working guests. They stay and play and multiply and invite other friends over to have a ball.
And if you should happen to touch the bottom of your bag and don't wash your hands, because hey, how dirty can this bag be, and you pick up your fork and the rest is history.

I'm almost done but if you need to run to the bathroom and lose dinner, go ahead.
Just clean the bags. Soap and water or one of those sanitize cloths will do. Just make sure that you don't stain the bag. Clean a small area and see if the nice black bag turns arctic white. If that happens to the whole bag, buy another one.

You know those little hooks on the back of bathroom doors? They are there for a reason.
Put your damn bag on it.
And be sure to tell the replacement pilot that this jet does not have propellers.

They need to Pay More

Everyone has heard about ID theft. A day does not go by that I don't read about some bank who has misplaced five million accounts of financial data. But that's okay, they say. They will pay for a year's worth of protection while John Q Public tries to get his or her life back.

Well, this is not okay. I have several solutions for this problem.
1. For each account which is lost, there will be a $100,000.00 fine. Of course the banks will say the account is not really lost, just the information which we entrusted to them has been, well misplaced. Imagine if there was a loss of 26 million accounts? Oops, there was one but some group filed suit against the government and wants to fine the agency, $1000.00 per loss. A thousand dollar fine is just a slap on the wrist. $100,000.00 per is a head turner.
2. Not only should the person who was stupid enough to take the laptop home without encrypting the files but the person who hired the person, should have their social security numbers put out on the web.
3. If the firm/bank does not tell their accounts about the screw up within 24 hours, the CEO and the entire board of directors will loose all their retirement packages. And any investments which they have, with any family members, will be wiped off the face of the earth.
Well, that about covers it.
Actually, there is something else we can do. Tell Congress to pass better laws, now. Later is not an option. Well, later is something Congress does and they do it very well.
Do you think if we could get them(Congress) all into a room and tell them that if they don't pass better consumer Privacy and Identity Protection before they leave, all of their consumer data would be exposed, do you think they would do something?
I'm Waiting!

The IRS wants you to Change your password

The following is a spoof or is it?

Dear card holder,

It has come to our attention that we do not have your current swiss bank account number on hand. As a full service government agency, we pride ourselves on having accurate information.

According to the last two emails we sent you, you sent us your Chase bank account number and password. And we thank you for it. However, the Ebay password did not fly. We would like you to resend your ebay password and this time, send us your social security number as well.

Rest assured we will never share any information with anyone who doesn't first pay for it!

In closing, please submit your swiss bank account number and the correct password or we will have not choice but to do an audit on you for the last 20 years.

Very truly yours,
Your friends at the IRS

Just a Little Donation, Congressman

Psst.
You there.
Yes, I'm talking to you.
I want to give you $100,000.00.
Yes, Congressman. I'm speaking to you. You and I are the only ones in this bathroom.
No, this is not a joke.
Do I look like a joke, Congressman?
Look, all I want to do is give you a hundred grand.
Catches? No, Congressman. There are no catches.
I'm just a nice guy. And I would guess you are nice guy, too!
You are a nice guy, Congressman?
Of course you are a nice guy.
That's why I'm going to donate this money to your re-election fund.

I bet your thinking right now, there is not such thing as a free lunch.
I represent some people who have similar interests like yourself.
They want what is right for the American People.
If you accept this little offer from them, they will be very happy.
Yes, it is a little offer.

Let me cut to the chase, Congressman.
I will be sending you emails concerning some upcoming bills.
I want you to read the emails and if you agree in what they say, I want you to vote from your heart. And if your heart agrees with us, then I can assure you, there will be more money for you.
However, if your heart does not agree with us, then you can kiss the money goodbye.

Don't worry, Congressman. There is nothing illegal about this. Everyone in Washington can be bought.

Congressman, you might want to zip yourself up before you return to your office. You don't want people to talk, do you?

New TSA training

The T.S.A. in their infinite wisdom, decided to go against the wishes of flight attendants and pilots, and allow passengers to again carry scissors and screwdrivers on their flights. I was getting used to taking off my shoes when I flew and now, I don't have to.
Now the agency is training a small handful of screeners to spot passengers who exhibit high levels of stress and anxiety during the holiday season. Behavior recognition helps the screeners identify suspicious passengers.

Let's say you are traveling with your four kids. You're hauling all their toys and things to keep them occupied on the flight to the aunties. You and your wife are getting stressed from running after the little kiddies. You both will be so pleased when you can strap the kids into their seats on the plane.
But wait, you need to relax. You had better not look too stressed. OH God, did you pack the smallest ones blankey? What if it's not in the suitcase? He will scream bloody murder. Did you put enough diapers in the small suitcase? What if the green suitcase does not make it on the plane? All the kids electronics are in it?
Was the newspaper cancelled? What if the mail piles up in the mailbox, will the next door neighbor who plays that god awful music, decide to ransack the house?

Now imagine the above situation happening to 10,000 people in the airport at a time?

Perhaps the TSA screeners should look for people acting normally.

There is an idiot in this house

As we were getting dressed this morning, my lovely wife asked if I was going to take my walk outside. Both of us had just heard the weather report and the outside temperature was a cool 25 degrees.
I told that I was going to take a walk. And she said there was an idiot in the house. I looked at her with the look that all husbands have, when their spouses have implied that there is an idiot in the house. Guys, we are the idiots. Wives are never the idiot. Some of us might think that wives do idiotic things but we do more idiotic things than they do idiotic. Perhaps, we were born idiotic. I wonder if scientists will ever find the idiot gene in men?

As I responded to her question, I reached for the thermal long sleeved shirt. I might be an idiot but 25 is 25. Twenty five is not 75 unless you are freezing to death. I would have put on my thermal bottoms but they are either lost in the maze of clothes in my drawers or I lost them somewhere else in the house. Next, I pulled on my long sleeved sweat shirt and sweat pants. Gym socks and tennis shoes were almost last.

Going downstairs, I put on a thin 70 degree something jacket. I slipped on the reflective tapes so the idiots on the road would see me before they hit me. Gloves and a black ski mask and I was ready to venture out into the 25 degree morning air for a brisk walk.

I told our two dogs to watch the house as I pulled the door closed.
Then I began my brisk walk.
Christ it was cold.
Who was the idiot who thought it would be warm?
I thought these gloves were supposed to keep my fingers, toasty warm?
I think my toes are frozen.
I thought about stomping my shoes on the pavement but I stopped short because the idiot I am, thought my toes would snap off.
The front of my ski mask was wet from my breath. The wet was no longer warm but cold. I had cold wetness clinging to my mouth.
I kept on walking and somehow I warmed up, a little. Very Little. Not enough to jump up and down about.
My forty five minute brisk walk seemed to take three hours.
As I opened the door to our house, I was greeted by my two dogs.
I think they were trying to tell me that only idiots take walks on freezing days.

A Tabletop Exercise

Recently, the Office of Homeland Security conducted a drill involving some military officers, Cabinet members and others. The purpose of the drill was to determine how well the response would be of the government to a Bird Flu pandemic. During the four hour drill, the participants were supposed to be pushed to the breaking point.

My questions to the Office of Homeland Security are:
Did you really learn anything from this drill?
Don't you think three days would accomplish more in the way of finding gaps in your response than four hours?
If you want to see how people work under pressure, let them drink all the coffee they want. Then lock the bathroom doors. You will get answers.
Who are the others?
Did the others have name badges? Was their name "Other?"
Why were the others invited?
Did the others bring the coffee and bagels?

All kidding aside, I hope these people and the others learned something from their short exercise. I hope these people will be better prepared, the next time something happens to the USA.
And above all, I hope these people will not point the finger at someone else and blame them for screwing up.
We look to the government for leadership. We don't need another excuse!

Wine, Beer, Screwdrivers or Scissors

Thank you T.S.A. No one would ever have thought to end a band on screwdrivers or scissors on airlines. All the flight attendants were quite happy with the band but no, you had to cave to the "Screw you Association of America" and the "Paper and scissor Federation of the lower east side." What were you thinking when you lifted the band?
No, don't tell us. We would never believe you.
I'm sure there is a perfectly good reason to allow passengers to carry screwdrivers on board. Perhaps you were thinking, passengers with screwdrivers could tighten screws on the doors or the seats. But would that not tick off the airline mechanics union? Wait till I tell the union, you are trying to take away their jobs. Boy will you ever be in deep dodo.

As for the scissors, there must be a handful of passengers who need to cut coupons out of local newspapers while they wait for their plane to take off.

Please TSA, show us a little common sense. It is not hard to do it. Set an example for the rest of the government. Just imagine, if you guys start using common sense, then perhaps other agencies might do the same. And in no time, we would have a government which uses common sense.

I hope the TSA does not decide remove toilet paper from the bathrooms. Someone might use it to start a fire to stay warm!

Quit your 9-5 job!

Are you tired of working for someone else?
Do you dream of quitting and becoming a zillonare?
Do you remember college when you needed money, you just picked up the phone and called dear old mommy or daddy. And the money arrived without a question.
And if the money did not come as quickly as you wanted, then you kept asking until they opened their wallets.

I want you all to reach into your pockets or purses and send me the first twenty dollar bill that your fingers touch. Yes, that's the one. Right there. And for that twenty dollars I will send you, 'The Guide for Making a Zillion Dollars.'

But for a limited time, if you send me a fifty dollar bill or two twenties and a ten, I will send you a personally signed copy of 'The Guide for Making a Zillion Dollars."
After you have read this simple guide to riches, you will of course want to have it framed. So as a special offer to all my friends. And you are indeed my friends, I am offering you a 12x16 inch gold-leaf frame for just $2000.00 And if money is a little tight, I can offer you financing which will make me more money than the frame is really worth. But that's okay because I have taken your money and you are quite happy.

So now that I have your attention, I want you to send me seventy five dollars in cash. Be sure to tell your friends about this limited time offer. When your friends order a copy of 'The Guide for Making a Zillion Dollars' for just a hundred dollars, you will get a ten dollar reward. Just think of all your friends sending me two hundred dollars and you getting ten dollars for each of their orders. In no time at all you will be able to take a trip of your dreams.

When I have taken as much money as I can possibly use, I will move on. Then I will travel to some beach and dream up another way to make a zillion dollars from suckers such as yourself.

Mice Infected With Bubonic Plague Missing

Recently three mice which happened to be infected with bubonic plague became missing in action. It was just one of those things which I'm sure happens all the time in research. The last researcher closes up at night and just forgets to close the cage. The government says the mice may never be accounted for.

The government says the mice may have been stolen, eaten by a hungry lab assistant or just misplaced. Misplaced?

In a local community near the lab a little boy asks his mother, "Can I have a pet?"
"What did you have in mind?"
"I found these cute little mice in the back yard," her son says.
"Okay, but you have to take care of them. I don't want them running all over the house.

Next time, Save the paint

As my wife and I walked North on Route 1 in College Park, this evening, I was the first to notice that the town of CP had painted white stripes alongside the cross walks. I said something like, its about time. My wife said, does it really matter? Are the stripes going to matter when someone mows us down?

After we finished our low Cal ice cream, I suggested we try out the newly painted crosswalk. Bravely I stepped off the curb onto the crosswalk with the white stripes on either side. Then we waited and waited for a car to make the decision to stop. Not one car stopped. In fact I got the feeling the cars were speeding up as they approached us.
We finally crossed when all the cars had passed us without even slowing down. Actually, I'm wrong. Three cars did slow down to make illegal U turns.

With my luck,the one time I do not use the white striped crosswalk,I will get a ticket for jay walking.
You could have saved your money College Park! Other than my wife, myself and a dozen or so other people, no one stops for persons in crosswalks anymore.
How quickly we forget how to drive!

Ten Days is Not enough

No doubt you have heard or read recently of the two baseball players who tested positive for steroids or was it stupidity? They claim it was an accident! How can it be an accident? Were they asleep when the swallowed the pills?
And they want to be role models for our kids. I think there is something wrong.
So I have a solution.
Being suspended for ten days is not enough. The punishment is like a slap on hand for stealing cookies from the cookie jar.
I purpose that if the players are tested positive for steroids or any other drug which might influence their performance, they are fined one third (1/3) of their total salary.
Do you think they would get the message?
And if the player does need steroids for a real medical problem, then have three doctors sign off on the prescription. And have one of the doctors actually give the medicine each and every time to the player.

Then the players could not say it was an accident.
But knowing them, they would have yet another excuse.
How about socking the coach with a similar fine?

Don't Eat So Much

The other day on my way to work, I stopped by my 7-11. Like most mornings, this store was packed with customers. As I fixed my hot cocoa and coffee jet fuel, I chatted with an 7-11 employee making sure the coffee pots were full. I commented that she looked like she had lost weight. She looked at me and said, "No, I just have a different haircut."
Again, I commented about her weight and asked what she had done?

"I eat less," she replied.

Eating less! My goodness, what a novel idea! Just don't eat so much! So simple.
But as my lovely wife pointed out, eating less is not so simple. Most people don't have the motivation to lose weight. Your loved ones can tell you that you look too big and you can say you are just very healthy. Your doctor can tell you, that you will be dead in a year unless you lose weight, and you might just listen.

Or you can do something about the weight, now!
Do something before you drop dead.
Don't wake up dead one morning and tell yourself I should have lost weight. I think it will be too late by then.

You can eat less. One less piece of bread, or helping of cream covered something. Less going in means less being put on.
And if you are not doing some kind of exercise, do it like your life depended on it.
Exercise is not getting up from the couch during a commercial break to get a beer or bag of potato chips. Exercise is taking a brisk walk around the block for starters.
If you live in New York City, those blocks are darn long!
Do check with your doctor before you do anything.

If you think you don't have the motivation to exercise, then hire a trainer. The money you spend on the trainer could be the best money you have ever spent on anyone.

If you don't want to hire a trainer, then send me a couple of dollars each week and I'll nag you into losing weight via email. As long as you send money I will remind you that you are not losing or exercising enough. You can do it. I know it's in you. I know there are pounds to be lost. You will feel better and look better. And there are nice side effects about losing weight and exercising. My asthma is a lot better, my heart is healthier and I sleep better now.

Now, put that fork down and push away from the table!

Armored trucks are the answer

Yes, I am crazy but armored trucks are the answer. If you have teenagers of driving/dating age or know of any parents who have teenagers, then armored trucks are the answer. Don't waste your money buying them a BMW or some clunker. Sure, what teenager would not want a BMW, but who is going to have to fill the gas tank? You, of course.
Okay there are a few parents who have told their kids that if they have a car, then the kid takes care of all the maintenance and insurance.
But what about taking their friends out? And those date problems. Any friend would love to be picked up in a BMW. But imagine being picked up in an armored truck? Would you want to be picked up in an armored truck to go to the movies? Do I see any hands up?

That's the whole idea. The boys will not be able to get any female dates and boy's male friends will not want to be seen dead in the family armored truck. You can always weld all the doors shut except for the driver’s side. But if you do weld the doors and you need to borrow the truck to go grocery shopping... You see my point.

Have your mechanic install a motor governor with a cap at 35 miles an hour and your kid will never speed no matter how hard they try. The new young driver will also never drive on the highway at high speeds!

And as a finale note, if your teenager is ever involved in an accident, rest assured your child and the family armored truck will be fine.
As you can see, armored trucks are the answer!

I.C.E.

God forbid something should happen to you while you are alone.
But suppose something does happen. And that something is bad enough you have to be taken to a hospital. And for whatever reason, you can not speak.
How are your loved ones going to know where you are?

If you had entered the letters ICE in front of your wife's,girlfriend's or boyfriend's name or any other relative who happened to be in your digital something in your purse, pocket, or briefcase, the medics would know to contact that person.
You see I.C.E. stands for In Case of Emergency.

Don't delay, It's time for ICE.